Subject: Fw: Church Bulletin Bloopers!

(Jokes that have been passed onto me)

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Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services:

* * * * * * * * *

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.

* * * * * * * * * * *

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* * * * * * * * * *

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

* * * * * * * * * *

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

* * * * * * * * *

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.

* * * * * * * * * *

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.

* * * * * * * * * *

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* * * * * * * * * *

Don't let worry kill you off......let the Church help.

* * * * * * * * * *

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* * * * * * * * * *

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.

* * * * * * * * * *

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

* * * * * * * * * *

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping.
She has requested tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which
the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

* * * * * * * * * *

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October
24 in the church and so ends a friendship that began in their
school days.

* * * * * * * * * *

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall.
Music will follow.

* * * * * * * * *

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* * * * * * * * * *

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.

* * * * * * * * * *

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* * * * * * * * * *

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.

* * * * * * * * * *

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave
a healthy lunch.

* * * * * * * * * *

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

* * * * * * * * * *

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.

* * * * * * * * * *

The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of
every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* * * * * * * * * *

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.

* * * * * * * * * *

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* * * * * * * * * *

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

* * * * * * * * * *

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

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The absolute End!